Delivered From PTSD

Hey all,

Today I'm going to let you all in on a little piece of my life...and though this is just a piece of my life, it was an experience that almost destroyed me.

July 23rd, 2011...it was a Saturday and my husband and I were having a late breakfast. Somewhere in the whole mix, we had a little accident and I hurt myself...sure I have heard many of the rumours surrounding the events...have even had them told to my face...people said that I had tried to kill myself...I laugh because I think I'm the type that would be too coward to do such a thing...I feared God waaaaay too much to do that...but there I stood with a gaping hole in my forearm. I could see my tendons...though I must admit I was not in any immediate pain...maybe I was in too much shock to feel anything, because I had expected to see a scratch (since that was what I had felt...a little scratch).

I still remember the incident like if it had occurred just this morning...I can remember the fear and panic, the weakness I had felt in my body as I thought that I was going to die...seeing my blood dripping everywhere. I was horrified. Thank God for my husband's quick actions and my God-given ability moments later to calm down and think clearly, else the adrenaline rush would have caused me to bleed faster. The piece of ceramic which had cut me had missed all tendons and arteries...praise God! I was fine...or so I had thought.


As we returned home from the hospital, I immediately attempted to complete the chores that I had started prior to the "excitement", but my husband was not going to let me do them and sent me to rest. Moments later he would walk into the bedroom to see his wife sitting and rocking like a crazy woman, tears streaming down my face...the initial stages of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder were setting in. I was reliving the ordeal... over and over it played in my mind...torturing me...and it had only just begun. Because I was a visual learner, the images stayed with me and tormented my mind.

I was supposed to start classes for my Postgraduate Diploma in Education on the Monday that followed and was unable to do so, my mind was "messed up". I could not focus, I could not stop crying, I could not shake the feelings of fear/shock/panic...they never left. I could not sleep, I could not eat; but like I said, that was just the beginning.

I distinctly remember sitting on the bed one night, cutting gift paper or something...my husband was ironing his clothes for work and was upset with me for what? I cannot even remember. He was telling me about it and I got upset. It was then that I was introduced to another symptom...I was just staring at the pair of scissors that I was using and had to push it away from me because I realised that I was having a surprisingly overwhelming urge to cut open my arm!! This off course triggered my memory and I began to hyperventilate...I was having a panic attack and could not breathe. My husband had to rush over to comfort me and calm me down. I could not believe this strange desire. Why on earth would I want to cut myself? I could not understand and began to research it. It was then that I discovered that I was battling with PTSD. But again, the worst was not over.

Every time I got upset I was tempted to self-mutilate, but it got so bad that I began to get suicidal thoughts. My husband could not understand and did not know how to help me. Most of my emotions were kept to myself because we were both in the midst of studies...which of course was making the PTSD harder to deal with, since my Post Grad course was very stressful. I cried out to God to help me and kept doing so even as the symptoms got worst. I tried to talk to my friends about it, but talking didn't help. I talked to my pastor's wife about it, that didn't help. No advice worked...and this made me problematic (and even more difficult to deal with), but I did try and I did fight...NOT ONCE DURING THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD OF MY LIFE DID I GIVE IN TO ANY OF THE DESIRES TO CUT MYSELF OR ATTEMPT TO COMMIT SUICIDE...NOT ONCE!!!

I thank God for His Holy Spirit Who constantly ministered to my spirit. God kept me from hurting myself time and time again. During all this I found myself having to minister to many people. I had to give advice and help others when I felt like that was what I needed for myself. Then one day I realised that I got upset and no longer had a desire to hurt myself. A few more times after that, hurt did not promote such thoughts...today I can truly say that I am free of PTSD!!!  MY GOD HAS DELIVERED ME.

There was a time when I had thought that I would have to live like that forever. I had to tell my husband to hide the razor blades from me because I did not trust myself. I felt alone. I cried alone. I tried to reach out for help and found none. Some people were not as sensitive to my feelings as I had hoped they would have been. It would be ungrateful of me to say that no one tried to help...because my friends did try to advise me...but could not help me.

Sometimes you may feel like that. You may feel all alone. You might feel like no one understands, and no amount of advice changes how you feel. But God hears and He knows, and He is constantly at work in our lives, artfully orchestrating events that will mould us and shape us, ultimately bringing our deliverance. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! It's just that God does not want to simply set you free, but through it all, He wants to equip you so that you can help set others free. We are familiar with the saying that we are blessed to be a blessing. God wants to deliver you so that you can go out there and help bring deliverance, but unless you are equipped, you cannot do so. God could just simply loose the bands that bind you...but imagine if He gave you the key. Then you can help set others free. This process may at times take a bit longer, but the tougher the battle, the sweeter the victory!

Read Acts 16:16-40. Remember Paul and Silus, when they were imprisoned? Verse 25 says that at the midnight hour they were praying and singing praises unto God...and "doh get tie up", they were not being pious about it. The same verse says that the other prisoners were hearing (listening to) them. When God responded to them, He did not only set them free, but also all the other prisoners...read the account and see for yourself! Now God could have delivered them so that they did not have to be beaten and thrown into prison...he could have done that, but He didn't. Instead, he delivered them later on when they could be in place to meet a jailer and bring this man and his household to Himself.

DON'T GIVE UP, YOUR DELIVERANCE IS AT HAND! YOUR DELIVERER IS STILL IN BUSINESS, SURRENDER TO HIM TODAY. RECEIVE HIS HELP, HIS SPIRIT. DO NOT GLORIFY YOUR PROBLEMS BY GIVING THEM ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION. PRAISE YOUR FATHER IN THE DIFFICULT TIMES...

Be Blessed,
Krystal